And alone in bed, today I cry… About my life, its emptiness. About my dreams, never pursued and all the time that has passed me by. Years wasted and no one to blame but that four-letter word, obviously! Constantly lurking in the dark corners of my mind, Fear has me living a life below my potential. It dictates what my abilities are, it decides what I’m worth. And I stay still, and I stay stuck, trapped in the obscurity of my ignorance. I’m jailed up in my own mind, I’m a spectator of my own life.  Quiet, I watch as the beast feeds on my doubts, as it steals joy and serenity time and time again.

 

But I am strong and I am brave, I am full of courage and audacity.  I fear heights but I would climb any mountain. I would stand on the verge of any cliff, ignore the threat to my life and take the leap. Even at this very moment, from the comfort of my bed, the sensations my body would experience seem real. The party starts, my heart is the dj. Loud is the music, and fast the beats, to which my hands dance the dance of fear. But that fear I would embrace. Exciting, it’s stimulating. It’s fuel, it’s invigorating. There would be a war inside my head, and on the battlefield that is my mind, I would hear a voice beg me to surrender and walk away. I would shut that voice down. That fear, I would face and conquer. I would feel the feels and think the thoughts, I would hold my breath and shun the threat. I would jump! For life is the party and I’ve got to dance. How could I prevent myself from living because I am afraid of dying?

 

Yet every day I hide away, afraid of being seen.  I keep silent, afraid of saying something wrong. And when I do speak, I keep my voice down for fear of being heard. Life is the party and I’ve got to dance. But on the dancefloor amid the many eyes that came to the party, I forget the steps. I can hardly move.  I stand invisible in the crowd, Fear by my side, and I sway. Back and forth.  I watch as every soul around me do the things I want to do, take the steps I want to take. They’re grooving, they’re twirling, they’re jumping.

– “They all have something you do not have”, Fear says. “They’re all better than you will ever be. They look the part so they have a say. They belong and you do not. Stand still, keep quiet, the truth of you will never be enough”.  

I am strong and I am brave, I am full of courage and audacity, but that ego-crushing voice I cannot silence. It screams in my ears, louder than the music and faster than my reason. Terrifying, it’s defeating.

I asked friends and relatives, what their biggest fear in life was. Most of them replied, they were afraid of death.  “Are you afraid of doing things that might kill you?” I asked. No, they were afraid of death itself and whether there was an afterlife. But isn’t life itself scary enough? I wish I could concern myself with life after death, but my demons are right here on Earth. My greatest fear in life? Never live while I’m still alive and realize in my death bed, all the things I could have accomplished, had I won my battle against Fear.


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